Indiana Jones

I've been meaning for the last week and a half to rant about how much I hated the new Indiana Jones movie. I think I'll finally get around to it.

First off, I firmly believe that George Lucas should be tied up and beaten severely with the all of his new movies. I am thinking both the giant film canisters and the DVD cases should be used. No one should be allowed to continue to make movies and live after what he has done to Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

When I try to think of ridiculous Indiana Jones moments, there is always one that comes to mind. The Temple of Doom. The three main characters are in a plane that is about to crash with no parachutes. They take an inflatable raft and jump out of the plane. The raft inflates, which slows the fall. Then the raft falls onto a mountain, where the characters miraculously slide down without incurring harm. Finally, the raft flies off of a cliff. The characters survive and the boat even lands right side up. It's remarkably terrible.

Now think of that moment as a flavorable bit of cheese. Imagine a delicious sandwich with a slice of pepperjack or provolone cheese melting on it. It adds a little character and flavor, but does not necessarily dominate the entire sensation of the sandwich.

Now take another mental image. Picture a giant plate of either grated Parmesan cheese with nothing else (make sure you imagine the strong Parmesan smell), or a giant cube of that fakish rubbery American cheese. Picture the one that icks you out a little more and then picture someone handing that to you for dinner. That's it. Just a big chunk of not very good cheese at all. Eat it! Now! That's what the new film is like. You take a big mouthful, and it just tastes like vomit in your mouth, and you beg to stop and spit it out, and you are told, no forced, to chew and swallow. Now another bite and another...for 2 and 1/2 hours.

It was that bad. Whether it was nuclear blasts and refrigerators, or the Cirque Du Soleil of giant killer ants, it wasn't even comically bad. It was just bad.

And aliens? Really?

Really?

Anyway, they know that anyone who went to go see that movie must be retarded, because they made sure they reitterated their nonsensical plot of aliens over and over and over again as if it was being stated for the first time so that the mentally challenged viewers might understand.

And really? Aliens? I don't even think it would be wise to engage on my rant on the ideological implications that have occurred by switching the original plots and artifacts in the first three Indiana Jones movies with aliens. But trust me, it was bad.