If you thought I was boring before...

...then you are really doomed, because I am going to talk about being engaged today.
A dear friend (Brklln) asked a very insightful question. (She really does ask some interesting ones. She is far more clever than she gives herself credit for.) She asked if it felt different being engaged. It made me realize that it totally does. Not many things change the way things are, but this is one of them. Cam is different. He is more protective, and move loving. He was already like that, but something changes when you decide and commit to spend the rest of your lives together. And it really changes when you let everyone you know in on that knowledge and commitment. My relationship is a little different with my parents. For the first time ever, I was able to talk to my mom about birth control. I am being acknowledged as an adult. Along with that, my favorite little cousin, who is 14, now thinks I am going to be boring and no fun to hang out with. I don't think my fun level changed...See if I give her that Chuck Norris "Fact" book now. ("Chuck Norris's genes aren't a double helix. They're barbed wire.")
On a different note, I haven't gone to many weddings. I've never been a bridesmaid. This is causing a problem. I don't know how the hell to plan a wedding or choose bridesmaids. Seriously. So, I decide to do a little research. I bought some bridal magazines. I figured it would let me know the sort of things I am supposed to think of (apparently cakes, dresses, invitations, shoes, receptions, flowers, colors, and a whole bunch of other really girly stuff) and maybe give me a hint about how to pick a Maid of Honor. It had no hints. Just lots of things about overpriced dresses for me and those poor bridesmaids. (I say poor, because I feel bad for them. I really want the main color to be orange. They'll be stuck wearing orange, sucks to be them.)
Anyway, I lost a lot of brain cells and a few IQ points reading that crap. There a quiz that I hoped would help me, that asked what kind of bride are you. I didn't understand the questions. "The Madonna song you love the most is..." What? People love Madonna songs? I don't understand. I couldn't that question. I was baffled. The options for the reality show I am addicted to are The Bachelor, The Amazing Race or America's Next Top Model? I still don't understand. I sometimes will watch an episode of any reality shows on VH1 or Comedy Central, but they are funny in a disturbing way. There was one that asked what my secret to staying in shape was. I don't. I'm lazy. I eat chocolate and think about how I should go do something. It asked what I think of when I hear the word "Bean." I thought "Mr." The options were Elsa Peretti, L.L., Fava, and Espresso. I don't even know what/who Elsa Peretti is. Anyway, I pretty much learned Cam is in trouble, because he is marrying a boy. (By the way, "To show its patriotism, the American flag recently got a tattoo of Chuck Norris.")

Just Kidding...

Funny thing about Saturday's blog. I'm engaged now. He proposed Monday night. Uh, so, I guess I can pretend like I have no idea what I was rambling about.

One of those reasons why being a female is so freakin' hard

I wonder if it is as hard to be a man as it is to be a woman. I'm pretty sure it's not. I think their brains would explode if males had to deal with the anxieties, conflicting emotions and ideas, and general physical attributes of being female. Allow me though to narrow my scope, because I could talk generally on males and females for ages.
Women usually come off as crazy in the head when it comes to engagement and marriage. However, men do not understand how hard those subjects are on us women. It's easy for them. They think they should get married some day, but they should also buy a house and a nice car. It's just part of societal expectations, and they might as well. That is far from how it is for women. Despite how rational and how hard we try to not be like this, it seems to drive us. I cannot count how many cool women I have seen crying and losing their minds because their boyfriends will not get engaged to them. Whether it was the girl who freaked because her boyfriend claimed he would a ring and then bought a motorcycle, the girl who kept hanging in there waiting saying he would be ready as soon as the next big event in their life happened while she became more and more depressed, or the girl who grew more angry and bitter and called him awful names when she was drunk because he failed to propose in the time period he said he would, I have seen cool girls go crazy.
It's not our fault. We can't help it. It doesn't matter how deeply we don't want to be like this and it doesn't matter how many times feminism tells us we don't need someone. Somewhere deep inside we know the truth. Feminism or not, our society isn't built for women all alone. The tv shows and movies remind the women they need someone. The economy and finances remind women they should not be alone. The job markets remind women they should be with someone. It's even in politics. It is getting easier and easier to name really cool women politicians, but is still impossible to name one who is single.
It's even deeper than that. I was reading the first chapters of Genesis the other day, and there it is. The stupid curse for the first sin, and women are not just given painful childbirth, but also a longing for her husband. It's part of a curse! Fuck! We're doomed. We are cursed to want a husband and to want our husbands to notice us and love us and pay attention to us, and it's a stupid curse. That means we probably won't be getting that. Just take a second to let that depressing thought play in your head for a second. We're cursed. A curse? How can you fight a curse? Sigh.
So, it's not my fault I woke up anxious and soon went to weeping. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year in two days, and I have been ready to be engaged for months now. I let it slide though, because I thought that if nothing else, this would be a great weekend opportunity for him. We will be out of town in a nice hotel for a sweet concert. But this morning I suddenly knew it isn't going to happen. All those months of hoping and resting my worries on this weekend. Now it is here and it won't happen. I mean, maybe it will, but I just really don't think it will.
I freaked and cried and thought about all those things I just wrote about. I realized that maybe characters in the Awakening or in Ibsen plays may be able to walk away from relationships, but the curse is still in them. Those women can be independent and will still long and be miserable. There is no escape.
So, I have gotten it out of my system. Now I will go back to being that fun, cool girl who doesn't seem to care and keeps pretty chill about the whole subject. If I get engaged this weekend, sweet. If not, well, at least I already got to cry about it. Now I don't have to ruin a perfectly good concert.

Chunky Soy

I just got called out for editing myself, so I have to work in something rather outrageous into my blog. So, here it is: I was asked what was the most outrageous thing that came to mind, and instead of something normal...I kind of went in a weird direction. Suddenly, I had this vivid image of several obese men, truly overweight, naked. They were on skis and going down a snowy mountain, and they were all dancing like the Pussycat Dolls, and that stupid "When I Grow Up" song was running through my head. But the more I think about it, the uglier it gets. It's a bad music video, and the scenes keep getting worse. Fat, naked men wrestling in oil (oh, I just threw up in my mouth)...trying to pole dance...ugh...
I blame Brooke, and I blame my soy milk. I wanted cereal this morning, and I realized that my little bit of milk expired on Thursday. So, I reached for my leftover soy milk, and it smelled funky too. It expired a week ago, and when I tried to pour it down the drain...ick...it was chunky. Bleh. No milk like products for me for a while.
Anyway, the editing junk was me thinking about diatribing on politics and then hearing myself and thinking "dear god, stop rambling." So, it's really that sometimes I think, man, I think I am boring myself.
So, we will stop there. I think I will sneak out of the office most of this week...I'm still the best and no one will notice if I'm not around...I need to go do stuff anyway...golf, buy new jeans...you know, important stuff...