Will Ferrell should play Adam

Sometimes I like to imagine that Adam, when he first met Eve in the Garden of Eden, was cheesy and picked up on Eve like a corny loser in the bar. I imagine him saying things like, "Hey there, I don't think I've ever seen you around here before...come here often?" I imagine him saying it with an over-dramatic swagger. (In fact, in my imagination, Adam could be very well played by Will Ferrell.) "Cause I'm lookin' at you and I'm sayin' whoa-man! Yeah, how about you show me where my rib went (giggitty-giggitty)."
I also picture God looks like Mike Holmgren.

The Board: coming soon to a movie theater near you

I didn't realize that I was saying it like that. But in a discussion with Cam a few nights ago, he made it obvious that I spoke of the Board in the same sort of tone that one talks about "the man." I started to realize that I kind of sound like I'm in some sort of John Grisham novel turned into a movie starring Michael Douglas when I speak of them.
It makes sense. Most people never see them, very few know their names. Yet they operate the non-profit with an incompetent iron fist. They know nothing of the place they control, most have never seen it in operation, some do not even know what the programs we run are. And yet they have the control...they control the pay, the job responsibilities, the events, the publicity, the...well, they are trying to make it everything.
Now for a quick lesson on non-profits and boards...

1. It is a law that every non-profit must have a board. This is intended to hold the employees fiscally responsible. No financial move is to be made without the board's consent.
2. Their dealings are to be transparent. Every meeting must be documented, minutes written and available at any time. You should be able to walk into the door of your favorite non-profit and demand lots of papers, and they have to give you anything and everything.
3. They are intended to provide leadership for the organization. Part of this is going out into the community and creating good will. Part is fundraising.

Our board doesn't do those things. We do have a Board. They meet. Behind closed doors and without record. They don't fundraise, they don't provide leadership, they don't do good things in the community. Pretty much, they sit there for a while in order to feel a power trip while pretending to do a good thing, because they are on a board for a non-profit.
Seriously. These people suck.
Oh, and one is schizophrenic and totally crazy. (He will call, and when I ask who is speaking, he identifies himself as "Psycho." He calls himself Psycho? He does have problems.) And another one, well, I spend a lot of days how she even manages to find her way to her front door without getting lost.

Oh, but hey, good news. I have the only gynecologist in the world who hates vaginas. That woman will do anything to not look at them...including record setting pap smears. I think I clocked her at 12.6 seconds today.

32 hours and counting...

Friday is my last day working in a non-profit. Since I have little to do, except clear out my desk, I think I will waste much of my time blogging about it all.
First, I think I may be in trouble...I haven't even started my new government job, but I'm already drowning in orientation attachments. 27 attachments and some 115 pages in order to even get started...this is going to be a job of paperwork.
Second, it is a little weird to be getting pushed out by the girl who is taking my job. She is clearly ready to make lots of changes, and is clearly getting a little angry at me when I question some of her desires. I understand her youthful optimism in change, I have wanted to change many things myself...but I also understand the realities of this job. Some thing will not be able to change until the Executive Director is finally out, the E.D. claims she likes to see youth input, but in all reality she does not want most things to change. Also, I have done this long enough to have a pretty strong grasp on both youth and people who donate...But my replacement is clearly disinterested in my experience in both, so I guess I will just have to sit back and let her do as she will.
I am thrilled to get out of the hands of the Board though. The Board has started to reach a level of incompetence and blatant evil...I will have to write some last thoughts on them tomorrow. Today I will simply sigh. I am ready for a change. Only 4 more days left.

I found out I was psychic in December...

...and this is what I had to say about it:

Good news! I'm psychic! But it turns out that I am the lamest psychic in the world.... A super boring psychic. Turns out I have dreams about the most boring parts of my day before they happen. In my dreams I find out that I will have unexpected housework to do or I get to read my junk mail while I sleep, and then I read it again when it arrives in the mail. I will dream of reading a Bed, Bath & Beyond flyer in great detail and will be so bored of my dream that I can't even stand it, and then get it in the mail the next day and read it all over again, except with a nasty memory of having done it before.

Or I will dream of how the sponge I am using for my dishes is starting to stink and how I need to switch sponges. I will dream of the very sponge I will pull out, picturing every bit of lint upon it, and it is the last one in the drawer, and then dream of washing all the sponges and rags in my house. Next day, what happens? I get to live through the whole boring experience again.

So, there you have it. I'm psychic, but the most boring, worthless psychic ever. I can't figure out lotto numbers and I can't solve crimes. I can't sell my ability, because who cares what housework they are going to do the next day? Although it is eerie that I can predict it all down to the slightest details, it is absolutely useless. They definitely are not going to make a tv show about this kind of psychic, I won't even end up on A&E specials about psychics. I just get tortured by living dull events over and over again.

Lying on a Tuesday

It's sunny and it's windy and almost 3:30 on a Tuesday and I have to make up lies. I have tried to find ways around this, but it appears my only choice is lies. The real question is how many lies I have to make up. I have to bribe others to help me lie. They are easily bought. A little pizza and a couple of snazzy looking water bottles, and they will fill out all of the paperwork so that I can document my lies.

Procrastination will not make it go away.

Seriously, any moment now. I just need to get up and begin.

Hmm...this time thinking about my soul won't help. Oh. Or eternity. I need to stop thinking about that.

Time to go. I will tell them now.

Or now.

Or...