My Trademark

I have way too many "If" daydreams, especially, "If I was a celebrity..." daydreams. Anyway, in a recent mental wandering about cigars and pipes, I was thinking about those items that distinguish certain people and celebrities. Think with me of old time movie stars: Charlie Chaplin and his hat and cane, Groucho Marx and his cigar and mustache, Clark Gable's mustache... Now think of more recent celebrities: Paris Hilton and her dog, Tina Fey and her glasses, Larry the Cable Guy and his stupid shirt, Ron White and his drink, and a bunch more that I was able to think of at the time. I am talking about those props that these celebrities have that make them distinguishable when you dress up like them for Halloween.

I have come to terms that I will never be a celebrity, but I think I want to live more like one. That's why I am going to get a trademark. Yup, I am picking out a stupid prop to carry around and people will always associate with me.

So, the first step in picking a prop is to decide how outlandish it will be. If it is something unordinary, you only need to carry it occasionally. Since nicotine is so unacceptable, this category now includes cigars and pipes. Speaking of nicotine, a cigarette holder is a great trademark item. More reasonable choices involve normal items people have: glasses, facial hair, or large sunglasses (ala Jackie O). These can be great items, but you need to make it distinct in order to make it yours. The glasses need to be a different fashion that the usual, the facial hair needs to be a little more noticeable (like a great handlebar mustache!), and sunglasses are almost impossible to make into a distinct trademark anymore. For something more noticeable, yet still reasonable, one may consider hats or canes.

I think I am going to use an umbrella. First, I can incorporate it without a whole lot of notice...I simply have to wait for a stormy or rainy week. I bring an umbrella with me everywhere. Then, when the weather clears up, I still bring the umbrella. It's practical, and I can get lots of different styles so that it's fashionable too. I can just set it with my purse when I'm inside doing something. It will only become noticeable when I'm outside. Okay, also when I am entering or exiting a place. I can use it as a cane if I want, and it will make great poses for pictures. I can see it now: lean on it like a cane in front with a cute smile, now outstretched behind me like a parasol, now up in the air like I'm flying away. I love it...it's useful, fashionable, and yet distinctive enough that soon people would associate me with umbrellas.

Soon people will find me so intriguing that they will think of me like a celebrity, especially the way that I'm living it up. People will begin to flock to me because of my strange style and fierce charisma. Then I'll become one of those celebrities where no one is quite sure why I am famous, since I haven't done anything. Then I pose very cutely with the umbrella, and next thing you know, I am truly famous! Or, at least I'm an intriguing person who never gets soaked in a rain storm.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder...if I was to hide under my desk for an hour or two, would anyone notice? Would someone peek into my office and see no one there and walk away? Or would anyone happen to see under the exposed bottom foot of my desk my body sitting there? I think I found my new place to play on the iphone.

Friday things

Apparently if you don't really like to work, you should get a job in a workforce center. I don't get it. My office is located in the workforce center, and their hours truly mystify me. The sign says they are open from something like 8:00-5:30, but the parking lot isn't ever full until 8:45 and it is completely empty by 4:45. The building seems absolutely empty on Fridays. Maybe I am seeing it weird, since I don't work in a tiny cubicle in the main room, and since I don't work for anyone here. My company just rents an office here, and all my co-workers are spread out over two states. So, I sit in my corner office, as a completely independent viewer of what I see in this building. Of course, the nice thing is that no one here works with me, so no one really cares if I show up at 8:30 and leave at 4:15 and take a 90 minute lunch. I love my independence.
On another note, isn't it interesting that when I don't work long hours, I am simply enjoying my independence? However, when other people do it, I just think they are lazy or something. I make hypocrisy fun!
So, according to my reader, (yes, you, person who is so bored that you actually read this crap and you even took a silly poll, I appreciate it, thanks!), my excuse for not blogging for a while should be that I was in rehab.
Well, sure, yeah, I was in rehab. I mean, you know how it is. You start drinking and writing wildly fantastic things about Canada Day, and the next thing you know, everyone says you have a problem. Rehab keeps you busy, and then sobriety creates bland blogs.
On another note, really? Rehab was your favorite answer? I really thought the Adult Video Awards one was pretty funny, I could have written pages on that.
Well, back to work (if I don't sneak out of here at noon...). Lots of strange people to meet with.

My Protege

It's pretty terrifying that I am helping someone become like me. I try to help her and keep an eye on her when I get a chance, and I don't know if it is these brief times or just some of the shared genetics, by cousin's daughter is becoming quite awesome. I dare say she is cuter and more fashionable than I was at her age. She has some of my mannerisms and much of the same sick humor. I've always enjoyed spending time with her, but now that she is in high school, I dare say I am simply proud. I can see how she is becoming like me.
She has recently taken on a mission to help protect her friends from bullying. How does she do this? Well, she will go up to a friend in the hallway, and hit their big stack of books so that this poor "friend" will drop them all. She then says, "What if I had been a real bully? You need to be careful. Now pick those up!" Yup, her bullying prevention is simply her being a bully to her friends.
What can I say? I'm proud.

Government Time Machine

So, not too much has been going on here. You know, just working and driving the government time machine. Oh, what? You never get to drive a government time machine? That sucks. Especially because I do. So suck it. I mean, yeah, on the outside it looks like a typical Dodge something-or-other, but when you step inside, suddenly you are transported to the 1990s. I discovered this today, when I drove it for the first time. I had to make sure I had everything ready for when I have to travel for work on Wednesday. As I was trying to adjust the channel, I realized it only has a cassette player. I'm worried that my own car doesn't have a port for an ipod, and now I also have to find cassettes? I gave those up in the 7th grade. As I finally get the channel over to a radio station, the first song that blares is "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems," and I spend a moment pondering the line about how in 10 years they will still be on top...

Anyway, besides that, life is pretty normal. Lots of talking to messed up teenagers and really strange parents, along with wedding planning stuff. Want to see the wedding website? Of course you do! http://www.ewedding.com/sites/CamlovesLaura

So I guess there is this election today...

Seriously, I am really tired of the whole thing. I was thinking that if I didn't have to work today, I would drink every time I heard the word election. And I wouldn't even cheat by turning the tv onto any 24 hour news channels. I would have been wasted. If Facebook can promote it that much, it is pretty much out of control.
Don't get me wrong, I think democracy rocks and I think voting is important. I thought quite a bit about who and what I would vote for. I sent my absentee ballot in a while ago. However, I don't think we need to encourage the uneducated masses to vote. If they aren't willing to research how and when to vote, we can pretty much assume they won't research who or what to vote for. We don't need these people voting. That is why I am dreadfully sick of facebook, myspace, google, msn, starbucks, ben & jerry's, etc, etc, etc, pushing people to vote.
One more thing. I am also really weary of how political ads and pundits tend to paint a picture of apocalyptic doom if something does or does not pass, or if some person goes into office. Really? The Apocalypse will happen is ________ becomes president? Wow. That's pretty intense. I end up humming this little diddy that once got lodged in my brain. I shall share the lyrics.

The population has greatly decreased
And my chances have greatly increased
That I may get a chance to kiss your lips.
I thank the Lord each day for the Apocalypse.