Me? Drunk?

On what is becoming a rare walk home, I discovered a few things....

I don't smell lilacs enough. Good thing I stole some so I could smell them the whole walk...

One car stopped to offer me a ride...three boys...must have thought I was hot...still got it...

Two cars honked. Hot? Pathetic? ...?

One lady asked if I was okay when I was running... Clearly, not a graceful or good runner....

I get hiccups a lot...

More stuff...whatever...I forgot...

Let's Put the O in Oh Canada...

Have you been called a "hooser" by Alan Thicke today?
Have you thought of a funny name for a sexual position?
Have you heard any mockery directed towards Canada and wild moose?

I could give you more questions, but you would be wasting time you could be saying
Oh, Oh, Oh Canada!!!

Seriously, take 5 minutes...it's kind of funny.

www.CanadianSexActs.org

I'll be waiting for your response.

Not Wallace!

I just realized one of my favorite authors died. Like 7 months ago. Wow. My bad.

Apparently, it happened just days after I got engaged. This may explain why I didn't hear about it when it happened. But 7 months? Really?

I found out by checking out...wait for it...Amazon. Today must be obsessed with Amazon day.

They were suggesting a book by Wallace I had never seen before, and I glanced at it. In the description, it cavalierly mentions how blah blah blah since his death blah blah....and I respond, "Say wha?!?" I'm eloquent like that.

So that's that. I don't know. His writing was brilliant, and he used images that were truly incredible. In a huge novel he wrote, he contained these various elements that I still think of often...the French Quebec Wheelchair Assassins (striking fear in the hearts of anyone who heard the squeak), the future of football publicity (players dressing up like the mascots and the Cardinals being shoved out of planes) and of course, the film that was so mesmerizing that people could not stop watching and would die that way....

Brilliant.

But also so dark, and so depressing. I couldn't read his short stories, because they get so artsy and abstract.

So, huh.

Next time I order some books off of Amazon...

I get a lot of mail from Amazon.com. That is because they know I love the large variety of books and music and low, tax-free and shipping-free prices. I'm an addict. And they know what I like. Take for example the book they recommended to me today:


Jane Austen and Zombies? How did they know?

Not to insult you...

Know what the best blog is? Cakewrecks.com. F'in funny if you ask me. Ugly cakes and witty criticism? I'm hooked. Someone suggested that I look at it since I am planning a wedding and all. (I have five months, and I have yet to contact a single florist, baker, or come up with a DJ. Oh well. At least invites are almost done.)
Anyway, this blog is about the funniest thing I have ever seen. No offense, I love reading what you guys have to.
Anyway, about time to give that speech.

Speech #10

I feel like I have been in Toastmasters forever. It's been about two years, but the first year we weren't a chartered club, since we were trying to start one up. It was hard to get much done that year, because we were constantly just trying to find a location, or get people to join, or get people to stay, and to figure out what we needed to do since we didn't have any of the books or the paperwork.
This last year it has been easy. We found a solid location, and people just keep flocking to us. It's awesome. (And it looks good for me, because I was club president. I didn't do anything that caused this growth, I just happened to have a fortunate time to be president. I'm like that, I have a Midas touch for these things.) And now, we are one speech away from becoming A DISTINGUISHED CLUB. It's a big deal. And that speech...well, it's mine. I am one speech away from becoming a "Competent Communicator." And we are one CC away from being a DISTINGUISHED CLUB. (Once again, it's a big deal.)
I've been procrastinating this speech forever. It's usually hard to come up with topics, and this one is super hard. I have to give an 8-10 minute inspirational speech. The problem is, I don't believe in inspirational speeches. I am cynical, and think the idea of being inspired by a speech is absurd. I think you are retarded if you follow your emotions and get caught up in a speech. I also an a contrarian by nature, so I naturally tend to not get emotionally involved in inspirational and motivational speeches; then I would be doing exactly what they want.
So, how do I write an inspirational speech when I don't even believe in them?
Option 1. Become a liar. Pretend to be sincere, use hundreds of cliches. Talk about how we can all become better...whether working on our Toastmaster speeches or doing our best at work. Lie. Basically, be a politician.
Option 2. Kind of lie. Say that I never believed in inspirational speeches, but I also never believed in true love. Yet, I have found that both actually exist. I am so touched, I feel the inspirational change...I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!
Option 3. I can give a speech for a different occasion....the book says that if I want, I can pretend I am giving a graduation commencement speech or something, I just need to have that stated in the introduction. So, option 3., make a giant joke of it. Cam and I decided that if I could come up with a fictional environment to give a speech, then why not do it right? I will give a speech that takes place in an alternate universe, where the year is 2214, everyone has flying cars, and yet women don't have the vote. Inspire them to vote. And maybe free the slaves. (That may be the best way to make sure I am not re-elected as president next year.)
Option 4. Turn it into work practice. Give a speech where I inspire kids to do something with their life, whether it be Job Corps or just graduating high school. At least I would be taking it seriously and I wouldn't be a total liar.
Option 5. You tell me. Or tell me what you think about the previous 4. (I [probably won't do Option 3, but it sure makes me laugh.)

A little slow...

The computer and I have been fighting all day. See, I'm having a bad password day. Since I do work through the Dep't of Labor, I have loads and loads of passwords. I have passwords protecting passwords. Once in a great while, I have one of those days where I cannot get my passwords right for the life of me. I normally can work my way through all of my protected websites like a butterfly in a field of flowers, quickly darting from place to place. That is not the case today. I have them written down, and I will be reading them as I enter them, and I STILL can't get it right. Every three times I get it wrong, it locks me out for 15 minutes. The three times are usually as follows:
1. I got this...
2. Must have typed it wrong...
3. Look it up...hmmm...maybe I just typed it wrong...or I'm caplocked or something...
And three strikes I'm out.
Thus, I've spent a lot of time catching up on making copies and trying to find things to keep my busy before I repeat the cycle again. I don't know what is wrong with my today. I also had to get all my information changed with Staples because I kept entering the work stuff all weird too. Mmm...been 15 minutes again...You'll know I failed if there is another blog here in a minute...

Proof I am bad with girls...

I am the only person I know to has been nicely asked to step down from my position of bridesmaid. She has her reasons (that she now regrets) and I have my jokes, but still, I am alone in this. I know that somewhere, someone has been kicked out. I just happen to be the only person I know who has.
Now, I am also the only person I know who has had bridesmaids drop out of my wedding. I am up to 2/5 dropping out. I am down to 60% of my bridesmaids. It's weird.
I haven't been a bridezilla, I swear. I know every girl claims that, but I swear it's true. I picked the colors of the wedding, but had the bridesmaids (the very ones who dropped out) pick out the dress company. We picked one that was flattering for everyone. I let them pick out their own dress styles. That way they could go with what was closer to their price range and also what looked flattering on them. When they asked if I minded if they picked this one or that one, I always answered, "Whatever will make you feel pretty." I also was allowing them to pick their own shoes, silver please. Do you know how many silver shoes their are? Thousands. They could pick high or low, cheap or expensive, fancy or simple. It was all their choice. Did I mention I let them pick which of the two wedding colors they would wear?
I have asked them to do nothing. I don't expect a bridal shower or a bachelorette party, I didn't expect one before I eloped. Most of my bridesmaids are in different states or countries. I was never going to ask them to stuff envelopes, to help me with flowers, or anything like that. I asked them to wear a pretty dress and stand in pictures with me. I asked for them not to get me a wedding present, but I was planning my present to them.
Only one bridesmaid has a good reason to drop out. She's pregnant. She will give birth a month or two before the wedding. She has no idea what size she will be, if she will be able to get a passport for her baby, and worries about lactating through her dress. She's still in it.
Second best reason to drop out: money. Neither has cited this as a reason.
In fact, neither has called Cam and I to tell us they dropped out. Cam's best man let us know that his family and friends in Canada have been talking and told each other they were dropping out. They haven't told us, and they haven't told us why. These two cousins of Cam's, plus a couple of the groomsmen, have decided to drop out.
I'm trying not to take this whole thing too personally. It sucks.

Future Blog

I check someone's blog today, and they have a blog dated 10 days in the future. I'm so enthralled, of course I had to comment on it. I wonder if my friend has found a portal to the future....and if she'll get me lotto numbers. Now it is missing. Did I change the future by commenting on it? Was no one supposed to know she found a portal to the future?
Also, my dashboard is saying this friend is blogging things that I don't see on her blog. Is it alternate universe day?

Why I am calling in sick next April Fool's Day...

Okay, let's start out this story with a little background info in my job.
1. Sometimes my boss seems to think she is Michael Scott in the Office. She is hyper and a bit excitable and her first day as project director she said to us it was "easy cheesy, lemon squeezy."
2. I am wicked competitive. This is partially part of my personality and mostly because if we do awesome we make bonus.
3. I love the flexibility of my job, but I REALLY love bonus. When I meet and exceed my goals, I can make an extra $200 to $850 a month.
4. In the month of March, I exceeded bonus so that I made an extra $850. This will be paid in early May.

So, yesterday morning I get a very ugly e-mail. It includes 9 forwarded e-mails between my boss and some people at corporate. It lets us know that we have no money for bonuses, that because of a line item error and really high job performance we will no longer receive bonus for the rest of the year. We will not be paid for our previously due bonuses. But hey, don't quit, because we still have good benefits like health insurance. Oh, and hey, we can find other ways to celebrate job performance like :
- Gift cards to Starbucks, Wal-Mart, Best Buy
- Tickets to sports events
- Days off, when approved by Laura Beving
Oh. Okay. A $5 gift card to Starbucks is really going to make it okay that I will not be bringing in the $850 Cam and I were expecting. Sure.
She then let us know we would have a conference call tomorrow to talk about other possibilities and solutions to this crisis.
First came the shock. Then anger. Then panic. I texted Cam. I called my mom. I buried myself in some work, but swore to secretly take the rest of the week off. I was still pretty down when I got the "HA HA APRIL FOOL'S" email at lunch time. I was ready to damn near quit.

So, either 1. I am taking April Fool's off or 2. I am going to spend the next 364 days planning her demise and getting the rest of the staff to help me. I'm open to ideas. And it has to look GOOD.