We Miss You, Chris

It is only a couple of days until the first anniversary of the death. A macabre anniversary, but one that is good opportunity to stop and reflect. It makes me wish that Chris could see how much his life, and death, impacted all of us.

I remember the day I found out. I was leaving my office to drop something off at my boss's house. I stood still stunned from the news I had received half an hour earlier. I remember telling her that I didn't want to lose anymore friends that way, and that I wanted to get involved in suicide prevention.

I remember the somber funeral. So many friends who saw each other so often, yet this time so many of us were hurt and badly shaken. I remember all of those who seemed so confident and strong, suddenly surprised at how deeply the grief hit.

I did as I promised. I was trained within a month or two to teach suicide prevention classes to middle school students across the region. I taught many of these three day classes. I remember the face of a little girl who came up to me after a class and told me how she had tried to commit suicide, and the relief of being able to speak of it. I have heard that many students were helped as a result of these classes. I'm not sure how many it helped, but I know it helped me.

I think most people can remember that last conversation they had with someone who has died. I remember mine. Chris was wondering what charisma was. I tried to explain it to him, and he wanted to know if he had it and how he could get it. I tried my best to answer and explain, but I never feel like I was very clear in my answer to him.

I think most people wish they could change that last conversation, or have just one more. If I could, I would tell Chris that he had lots of charisma, and maybe something even better than charisma. He may not have led in the typical way, but he brought us together. He touched our lives and made us all want to be better. He showed us how to be friendly to everyone and saw us all for the best parts of ourselves.

I sit here, wondering how to finish this. I have lost words in a flurry of memories and emotions. So, I will finish with this. Chris meant a lot to everyone who knew him. He made our lives better, and our lives were changed when we had him and perhaps even more when we lost him. I am glad to have known him and wish I had been closer to him. Most of all, we all miss him.